While cruising Amazon one day , I found something curious : a 1994 hip - record hop record album from Immortal Records calledBasketball ’s Best - Kept Secretfeaturing the flow of ten of the day ’s shining NBA stars . gratuitous to say , this seemed like a honorable direction to spend four dollar .
I was wrong , though . Buying this record was an salient means to spend four dollar . In the Pantheon of Hilariously Bad Athlete Rap , it ’s the missing liaison between " The Super Bowl Shuffle" and Kobe Bryant ’s unfathomable " Thug Poet . “ Is there anything musically redeeming about it ? Not at all . Is it worth listen to if you ’re an NBA fan ? Absolutely .
The record is so riveting that I comb through it track - by - track in an attempt to receive out what basketball ’s best - preserve secret really is .
Track 02: Dana Barros ““ “Check It"
Barros level with the hearer up front : " I gots many , many thing on my mind . “ These thing admit : staying strap , his 850 BMW , and his indigence to " flap down like Onyx , puffing on chronic . “ The track actually fathom a little like Onyx , so half of that rhyme ’s appropriate . It ’s also great to visualise NBA commissioner David Stern hearing the " puffing on chronic" line and then wondering how many times he could possibly drug test Barros the next year .
Does it reference jump shots?No , but there is a courteous shout - out to Celtics onwards Reggie Lewis , who had die of a heart defect the former twelvemonth .
Track 03: Malik Sealy ““ “Lost in the Sauce"
The late Sealy sour in one of the expert tracks here . DJ Alamo of Brand Nubian crafts a cadence that allow Sealy to verse about his raising and the importance of being a nice man being over a simple wah - guitar and hi - hat . grownup Malik " conquered the concrete with my sugared inside - outside game" and will " dip it on you from the dotted” ¦ if you act like you need it , you get it . “
Does it cite jump shots?As the chorus tells us , " Life ’s just one big jumpshot . “ That ’s the sort of heavy disclosure you ’re not going to find in your fancy college philosophy course of study .
Track 04: Shaquille O’Neal ““ “Mic Check 1-2"
Shaq has one Pt and two gold record to his credit rating . Such certification might lead one to conceive he can rap . " Mic Check 1 - 2" clears up that misconception in its first 30 seconds . team up with Brooklyn ’s Ill Al Skratch , Shaq call on in what sounds like a deeper - vocalize reading of the worst song Ol' Dirty Bastard ever record . O’Neal manage to cleverly work in a big bit of Cartesian product locating as part of his Reebok indorsement , though , when he claims that he can " expand rime with his InstaPump . “
Does it reference bound shots?Sadly , no . Most of the lyric are just Shaq or Ill yelling " Mic Check 1 - 2.“
Track 06: Cedric Ceballos ““ “Flow On"
You may call back Ceballos for his blindfold press to pull ahead the 1992 NBA Slam Dunk Contest . One listen to this song , though , and you will always think of him as a poor human beings ’s Nate Dogg . Or Nate Dogg with a cold . Here on " course On,“ Ceballos even enlist frequent Nate Dogg collaborator Warren G. to handle output duties and back up his rhymes . The result is what you ’d expect : a bland G - blue funk beat with distaff backing vocal encouraging Ceballos to " flow on" while he permit us jazz how smooth he is while eating chicken wing .
Ceballos gain supererogatory points by constantly cite to himself by his jersey identification number , 23 , as if basketball fans immediately think " Ceballos" when hear that number . Take that , Michael Jordan !
Does it reference jump shots?Yep . " I pay off high up off my jumper and my dunks , you see . “ Oh , how we see , Cedric .
Track 07: Brian Shaw ““ “Anything Can Happen"
Journeyman jazz band guard Shaw bend in a contemplative course about his home ’s death the previous class . Interestingly , though , Ant Banks ' G - funk yield does n’t accentuate basketball : it likens animation to a game of pool . Shaw ’s big name - checks on the track are his niece and his girlfriend , who ’s " soon to be my future wife . “ In other words , he ’s nowhere most self-aggrandizing enough and way too likable to appear on this record . Shaw ’s slow flow is nothing to crow about , but anything better than " dead horrid" sounds pretty in effect in this context .
Does it reference jump shots?No , but Shaw ’s always " grabbin ' a Lucille Ball and dunkin ' it . “
Track 08: Chris Mills ““ “Sumptin' to Groove To"
" Here ’s a little sumptin ' to nod your question to , a funky little rut that you may move to . “ I guess Mills ' refrain is somewhat accurate ; I was shake my point " no" while make a motion to work off my stereo . That counts , right ? His clumsy flow is n’t as honest elsewhere , though . Mill claims to be a " liberal ballplayer , a nice rhymesayer , and as you all acknowledge I ’m rainfly - girl bed . “ I have n’t fit with any fly sheet girls , but I sleep with that at least two of those three financial statement are patently assumed .
Words ca n’t do jurist to this path ’s corruption . It ’s the aural equivalent of simultaneously encounter a geartrain clash , being kicked in the stomach by a mule , and have the influenza .
Does it cite jump shots?“I’m up in the gym” ¦ I act as every day” ¦ I work real severely so I got a cool J” ¦ a jump shot” ¦ “ Appreciate the clarification .
Track 10: Jason Kidd ““ “What the Kidd Didd"
No , that ’s not a erratum . That ’s really the song ’s clever title . Surprisingly , the track itself manages to build on that gleefulness . lead off the basic premise of letting us roll in the hay what the Kidd didd , the point guard delivers rhymes in middling much the same flat spokesperson he use to answer postgame questions . Kidd did n’t even compose his own subpar rhymes . The Digital Underground ’s Money B. penned them and saved the most diverting tap for his own cameo : " Steady flossin ' with cash bring in from hittin ' ( Jamal ) Mashburn . “
So what did the Kidd do(o ) ? " Ai n’t nothing die on but cash and Bel - ballin' . “ The boast is specially pleasurable since those sweet passes to Mashburn led Kidd ’s Dallas Mavericks to a stellar 13 - 69 book the former season .
Does it reference jump shots?Sadly , no , but Kidd clear up the spot with the Lady . He ’s " got more wench than Kentucky Fried . “
Track 11: J.R. Rider ““ “Funk in the Trunk"
This track alone is worth the price of admission charge . Musically , it ’s nothing much , basically just a niggling pianissimo cringle over Rider ’s stilted flow . However , it takes the hearer inside the creative thinker of one of basketball ’s most ill-famed maniac . The 1994 dunk protagonist was known for his erratic off - court behavior , include drug suspensions , a kidnapping charge , and throwing a milkshake at a drive - thru worker .
Who could have seen these behavioral problems coming ? It ’s not like Rider rapped about his motto for biography : " keep one in the bedchamber . “ Well , he only did it once , anyway . This path would undoubtedly be more terrific if Rider ’s delivery could remain perceivable for more than a few words at a time . " I ’m going to protect” ¦ my defense ’s a killa,“ does n’t sound like it ’s about basketball , specially when it ’s preceded by lines that seem to be about hack masses open .
Does it cite jump shots?There ’s no time ; Rider spends most of the last minute apply shout - outs to everyone he ’s ever met .
Track 13: Dennis Scott ““ “All Night Party"
Dennis Scott like to party . All dark . leave whatever you remember you knew about the sharp - shot little forward who helped the Orlando Magic make the NBA Finals . The man sleep together as 3 - ergocalciferol only wants to party . nuptials receptions , ginmill mitzvahs , Chuck E. Cheese pizza bashes” ¦ it does n’t matter what kind of party . D. Scott will show up and bring the blue funk . He does n’t even manage if there are cleaning woman there , " all I wanna know is where the party at . “ Scott would prefer if the political party croak " on and on and on and on until the interruption of dawn,“ but he ’s not particular . If there ’s a party over there , he ’ll sway it .
Does it cite jump shots?Scott ’s way too busy party to concern about hoops .
Track 14: Gary Payton ““ “Livin' Legal and Large"
The future Hall of Fame point guard ’s course is n’t exactly good , but it ’s closer than anything else on this record . Payton acquits himself fairly well flowing over a bouncy West Coast funk beat . It turns out that the Glove ’s lifestyle is not just great ; it ’s also legal . The rime are forced and feel even weaker when you find out that Payton did n’t pen them himself , despite his boast that " I can make my lyric look honest than a slam dunk shot . “ obviously he threw home that mess on some other phonograph record .
Does it cite start shots?Oh yeah . " Hit a three” ¦ talk a small junk" and then later " Who is that ? G.P. is what they say as I hit my J in a evil kind of way” ¦ “ [ Payton - as - Lego image courtesy ofSupersonicsoul.com . ]
Conclusion : So what is the album ’s titular best - kept secret ? After take heed to the whole record several times , I can only draw three steady conclusions , none of which seem like particularly well - kept secret :
1 ) basketball game instrumentalist have very high opinions of themselves.2 ) Despite this confidence , they ca n’t rap.3 ) You should never feel truly safe if you ’re in the same time zone as J.R. Rider .
Ethan Trex grew up revere Vince Coleman , and he kind of still does . Ethan co - writesStraight Cash , Homey , the Internet ’s undisputed top source for picture of people in Ryan Leaf jerseys .
