The gravid affair about Richard Kadrey ’s Sandman Slim novels is , there ’s no foot - dragging . Each volume in the serial pushes the story forward — usually with a punch in the intestine . Case in point : the fourth Sandman Slim Book , Devil Said Bang , starts out with Stark in a very unlike position than the previous novels . ( If you have n’t read the third Scripture , Aloha From Hell , go understand it now . )
Now we get to see how Stark copes with his thought-provoking raw position — and judge from our single excerpt from the first 40 page of the novel , it ’s going to be the gaga ride yet .
I plug the tunes into the jukebox and check that it ’s turned up loud . I ’ve loaded up the jook joint with a hundred or so devil tune . The Hellion Council ca n’t stand it when I add up to a meeting with a pocketful of alteration . Wild Bill , the barman , hat it too , but he ’s a goddamned psyche I recruit for the job , so he gets why I do it . I head back to the table and nod to him . He shakes his drumhead and goes back to cleaning deoxyephedrine .
Les Baxter twine down a skittish “ Devil Cult ” as I sit down with the rest of Hell ’s ruling council . We ’ve been here in the Bamboo House of Dolls for a couple of hour . My psyche hurts from reports , revised timetables , and check opinions . If I did n’t have the music to rile everyone with , I would in all likelihood have kill them all by now .
Buer slip a set of blueprints in my direction .
Hellions reckon sort of like the small devil in that Hieronymus Bosch paint The Garden of Earthly delight . Some wait pretty human . Some look like the green devils on former absinthe bottles . Some are like what monsters puke up after a long weekend of eat other monsters . Buer looks like a cuttle in a Hugo Boss case and smells like a favorite - entrepot Dumpster .
“ What do you think of the colonnades ? ” he asks .
“ The colonnades ? ”
“ Yes . I redesign the colonnade . ”
“ What the roll in the hay are colonnades ? ”
General Semyazah , the supreme commanding officer of Hell ’s legions , sighs and points to a line of pillars at the center of the page . “ That is a colonnade . ”
“ Ah . ”
If the hen scratching on the pattern are unlike from the last bunch of hen scratchings Buer showed me , I sure as perdition ca n’t tell . I say the first thing that pop out into my head .
“ Were those statues there before ? ”
Buer waves his little cuttlefish tentacle and proceed his digit across the report .
“ They ’re unexampled . A unlike icon for each of the Seven Noble Virtues . ”
He ’s not lie . They ’re all there . All the personality oddity that give Hellions a massive cultural hard - on . Cunning . mercilessness . furiousness . illusion . secretiveness . Strength . Joy . They ’re represented by a collection of diabolical marble physique with leathery wing and pitchfork tongue , bended spines and razor dorsal fins , clump of eyestalks and spider branch . The arcade await like the most fucked - up miniature golf course in the cosmos and they ’re on what ’s opine to be the new City Hall .
“ I have an idea , how about instead of the Legion of Doom we put up the Rat Pack and the lyrics to ‘ chance Be a Lady ’ ? ”
“ Excuse me ? ” says Buer .
“ What I mean is , it reckon a little fascist . ”
“ give thanks you . ”
“ That was n’t a compliment . ”
I push the pattern away with the sharpened fingers of my left hand , the ugly prosthetic one on my ugly prosthetic limb .
Buer does n’t know how to respond . None of them do .
There ’s Buer the builder , Semyazah the general , Obyzuth the sorceress , and Marchosias the pol . one-time Greek kings used to have councils like this , and since a sealed friend hint I should show up on the Greeks , I have a council too . The last member of the Council is Lucifer . That ’s me . But I ’ll get to that part subsequently . The five of us are the self-aggrandising brain supposedly in charge of Hell . Really , we ’re a bunch of 2d - charge per unit mechanics trying to keep the wheels from come off a burning gasolene truck skidding toward a school heap full of orphans and kittens .
The Council is staring at me . I ’ve been down here a hundred years and still , anytime I say anything but yes or no , they still look at me like I ’m a talking camelopard . Hellions just are n’t used to humans giving them back public lecture . That ’s okay . I can use that . permit them ascertain me a small strange . A short inexplicable . Playing the Devil is prosperous if no one has any idea what you ’re go to do or say next .
They ’re all still look . I allow them .
We have these meetings every couple of days . We ’re rebuild Hell after it went up in fire like a flash - newspaper bikini when the original Lucifer , the substantial Lucifer , gasconade out of town after bond me with the line . The fuss for the rest of the Council is that I do n’t fuck how fast I want Downtown back in work out order .
I say to Buer , “ I ’m all right with Hellion superbia . It ’s disruptive sentence , the team ’s in last place , and they need a ginger rallying . coolheaded . But I do n’t want Hell ’s capital looking like we ’re about to goose - footmark into Poland . ”
Obyzuth turns the blueprint around . I still do n’t make love what she looks like . She fatigue an bone mask that covers everything but her eyes , and a pall of Au bead covers them .
She say , “ Buer ’s designs expand and keep many of the classic historical motifs of Hellion designing . I like them . ”
Obyzuth is into the unearthly side of the rebuild and does n’t commonly comment on things like this . I ’ve upset her . Good .
I say , “ This Nazi Disneyland stuff , it ’s too meretricious and soft . It ’s like something the Kissi would woolgather up . ”
That ’s hitting below the rap . Calling a Hellion a Kissi is like calling Chuck Norris Joseph Stalin . Buer looks like he want to stuff the blueprints down my pharynx with a road flare . Obyzuth and Semyazah look at me like they caught me eat cookies before dinner . Marchosias raises her brow , which is about an inch from her challenging me to a affaire d’honneur at dawn .
The Bad Dad thing normally works . hellion are bounteous on pecking Holy Order and I have to remind them on a regular basis who ’s at the top . Now they involve a pat on the psyche from Good Dad before things go all Hansel and Gretel and I end up in the oven .
“ You ’re a gifted guy , Buer . You get to redesign all of Pandemonium for the first time in about a billion years . No one ’s hold up to get a chance like that again . give out the Albert Speer bullshit and modern up . When God tossed you fallen bastards into Hell the builders were the only ones who see it as more than a pile of rocks and rubble . Do that again . ”
I ca n’t believe I ’m larn how politics and court intrigue employment . I experience a fiddling soiled . I miss punching people . It ’s dependable employment but I do n’t get to do it much these days .
Marchosias judder her head . She ’s skinny , pallid , and birdlike , but her instincts are more like those of a Velociraptor .
“ I ’m not certain . In unstable times people need puff . They need the familiar . ”
“ No . They do n’t . They demand to see that whoever ’s in charge has balls and vision . They postulate to see that we ’re making a novel , big , and good Hell than they ever had before . ”
Obyzuth nod a small to herself .
She says , “ I roll the Oliver Stone this morning , and although I like Buer ’s work , if things must change , the mark are in an auspicious alignment for it . ”
“ See ? We ’ve mystify auspicious alignments and everything . We ’re golden . Let ’s draw up some Modern program . ”
I pick up a fistful of lilliputian snapper from a arena on the mesa and protrude them one by one into my mouth . Really , they ’re deep-fried drytt eggs . Drytts are big , pesky Hellion George Sand flea . I lie with that sound loathly , but this is Hell . Besides , if you electrocute anything long enough , it get serious . The drytt eggs go down like fried popcorn .
Semyazah scarcely reacts to anything in these meetings and he prefer his words cautiously . He says , “ You ’ve been send packing everyone ’s ideas for week . What ideas do you have ? ”
“ I worry about this station ending up like L.A. All Hellion striptease malls , T - shirt , and titty stripe . The Pandemonium I recollect is more of a Bela Lugosi - and - fog kind of Ithiel Town . When I have to pick out between Dark Shadows or fanny packs , I ’ll pace over to the dark side every time . Have any of you ever find out a Fritz Lang movie called Metropolis ? ”
They shake their head .
“ You would screw it . It ’s about bigwig that kick the red cent out of prole in a metropolis that ’s all knot - in high spirits skyscrapers , smoke - belching machines and office towers that look like dragons bally starship . The place is fresh , precise , and somebody crushing , but with style . Just like you . So that ’s everyone ’s homework . Watch Metropolis . It ’s in the On Demand menu . ”
That ’s correct . Hell steals cable . Call a cop .
The three most pop TV designate business district are Lucha Libre , Japanese game shows , and The Brady Bunch , which Hellions seem to think is a deep anthropological report of mortal spirit . I hope watching the Bradys depresses them as much as being trammel here in origination ’s shit piping depresses me .
“ Let ’s take a break . I need a crapulence . ”
I take the air to the bar and sit down . I make the Council hold its get together here for a couple of grounds . The first is that Hellions love their rituals , and trying to get anything done is like a Japanese tea ceremony get over with a High Mass , only even tiresome . There ’s enough ritual hand waving down here to put the Dalai Lama to catch some Z’s .
Reason two is this post . It ’s Hell ’s version of my favourite L.A. bar , the Bamboo House of Dolls . The independent difference between this and the other Bamboo House is that Carlos launch the bar in L.A. In Hell , it ’s my great - great - great - granddad , Wild Bill Hickok .
Wild Bill already has a glass of Aqua Regia ready for me when I sit down .
“ What do you imagine ? ” I require .
“ About what ? ”
“ About what . About the blasted meeting . ”
“ I cerebrate you ’re about to motor them lad disturbed . ”
“ They ’re not all fellers . ”
He squints at the Council .
“ There ’s ladies in the bunch ? ”
“ Two . ”
“ Damn . I never did learn to severalize the divergence with Hellions . ‘ course of study they ’re all pig - bally boy of bitches to me , so what do I care if I guess wrong and hurt their feelings ? ”
I do n’t think consort a ginmill was ever Bill ’s dream line of work and he ’s not exactly the eccentric to throw around a flock of thank - yous , but I have a go at it he likes it easily here than in Butcher Valley . Bill die in 1876 , was curse , and he ’s been fight hand to pass with other killer and shootists in that penalty hellhole ever since . Taking him out was the least I could do for menage .
“ Is anyone give you difficulty ? Do they know who you launch the billet for ? ”
“ I expect everyone ’s aware by now . Which do n’t make me particularly happy . I ’m not used to another mankind fighting my battles for me . ”
“ intend of it this way . This setup is n’t just about me having a situation to drink . It ’s about demo the blue bloods who ’s in accusation . If anyone hassles you , it means they ’re chevy me , and I need to do something loud and mussy about it . ”
He puffs his cigar and sets it on the bound of the bar . There are scorch Deutsche Mark all over the wood .
“ sound like it ’s voiceless work play Old Nick . I do n’t begrudge you . ”
“ I do n’t envy me either . And you did n’t answer my question . ”
He ’s mute for a moment , still annoyed that I ’m asking about his well - being .
“ No . No one in exceptional ’s been causing me heartache . These lizardy dickhead ai n’t exactly housebroken , but they do n’t handle me any worse than they deal each other . And they only get up to that when you and your compadres are n’t around . That ’s when the rowdies add up in . ”
“ If you hear anything interesting , you recognise what to do . ”
“ I might be dead and damned for all infinity but I ’m not addle - brained . I recollect . ”
We turn and attend at the Council .
He says , “ So which one do you fancy is get to belt down you first ? ”
“ None of them . Semyazah is too disciplined . He saw Hell come apart the last time it did n’t have a Lucifer . I do n’t really get a whiff of execution from any of the others . Do you ? ”
I finish my drink . He pours me another and one for himself .
“ Not them directly . But I figure at least one ’s scrabble down everything and give it to whoever ’s going to do the literal pigsticking . ”
“ That ’s why I keep the rebuilding slow . Keep the big boys busy and scattered all over . make it toilsome for them to contrive my tragic demise . ”
“ It ’s funny hearing blood talk like that . I was n’t exactly a contriver when I was alive and it never crossed my psyche anyone else in the sept would ever come by the trait . ”
“ It ’s new . Since I moved into Lucifer ’s place , I spend a peck of time in the subroutine library . I never read anything longer than the back of a picture jacket before . I consider it ’s bent my brain . ”
“ Books and women’ll do that . Just do n’t get to thinking such heavy thought you blank out to listen for what ’s fawn up behind you . ”
“ I never record with my back to the door . ”
He nods and kill his drink in one gulp .
“ All it takes is the one sentence , ” Bill say . He looks past my articulatio humeri . “ I think your friends are waiting on you . ”
“ Later , Wild Bill . ”
“ Give ’em hell , male child . ”
The others take care raring when I get back . For a second , I flash on Candy back in L.A. After cognize each other for almost a twelvemonth , we ’d in conclusion gotten together right before I come down here . Managed to squeeze in two honest day together . What would she recollect of Hell ’s ruling elite hanging on my every word ? She ’d probably express mirth her ass off .
“ We did all right today . Knowing what you do n’t want is about as expert as knowing what you do . get ’s meet back here at the same time in three days . That enough time for you to sketch out some ideas , Buer ? ”
He nods .
“ I ’ll look out your Metropolis show tonight . And have something for you at the next meeting . ”
“ That ’s it , then . Anyone have any questions . Any thoughts ? Any banana - lucre formula to share with the class ? ”
Nothing . Hell ’s a sturdy room . They gather up paper and notation . satiate them in leather bags and attache cases .
“ Thanks for coming . ”
I head back to the bar , where Wild Bill is already pouring me a drink . I require a Mary Jane . I take out a pack of Maledictions and light one up . It might be Hell but at least you’re able to fume in the bars .
Bill stream a 2nd potable in different glass and walks away .
Marchosias is behind me . She does this after meetings sometimes . She says she wants to practice her English . I do n’t mind ; after three month of speak nothing but devil , my throat feels like I ’ve been rinse roof nails .
She says , “ What you sound out to Buer , that was either very rude or very voguish . ”
“ The Devil gets to be both at once . It ’s in the enchiridion . attend it up . ”
“ You caught everyone off guard . I ’ve never heard you ever cite the Kissi before . Everyone admires how you treat them , you bonk . Getting others to do your killing is the most elegant way of life and you did it masterfully . ”
In another time and place I ’d think she was being sarcastic , but I know she ’s not . She gets off on what I did . Why not ? I convey the Kissi down here like we were allies , trapped them between Heaven ’s armies and Hell ’s legion , and pass over out most of them in one big royal rumbling . That sort of perfidiousness covers middling much all of the Seven Noble Virtues . Her making goo - goo eyes at me for it constitute me want to punch Marchosias very hard and often .
I say , “ I ’m usually more of a helping hand - on guy when it comes to killing . ”
“ Of course you are . Sandman Slim has an sea of blood on his hand . ‘ The freak who bolt down monsters , ’ is n’t that what they call you in the scene of action ? Now here you are , Lucifer , the great monster of them all . Maybe God really does have a sensation of humour . ”
Her eyes shine when she read it . She loves being this close to the grand marshal of the Underworld parade . She ’d care to have Lucifer ’s power but the thought of it scare her stupid , which makes it that much more exciting . This is why she stays behind . An inner tete - a - tete with Satan . It ’s not receive her any pixie points with me and she knows it , but it makes the relaxation of the Council nervous and that do it fun for her .
I take a prospicient drag on the imprecation like possibly it ’ll start a twister and carry me back home like Dorothy .
“ All thing moot , I ’d rather be in Philadelphia . ”
She search at me and then peek at Wild Bill , not getting the jest . Bill ignores her and pass over down another chalk .
“ While I have you here , you ’ve never told me why you chose me for your council . Or why you decided to create it . Lucifer — ”
“ The former Lucifer , you intend , ” I cut her off . “ I ’m Lucifer now . That other guy last by Samael these days and he ’s menage crash with Daddy . ”
“ Pardon me . Samael would never have considered working with anyone but his most trusted generals . ”
“ Maybe if he ’d require more questions , this billet would n’t look like a 2nd - rate Hiroshima . I do n’t have a problem with getting advice from bright people . And to answer your question , Samael recommended you . ”
“ I ’m honored . ”
She glances over her shoulder . The others are all out of doors . She ’s enjoy making them look .
I say , “ Your English is getting good . ”
“ So is your Hellion . You ’ve lost most of your idiom . ”
“ Someone told me I sounded like a bumpkin . ”
“ Not that bad . But you ’ve become more self-respecting , in every means . ”
“ I ’ll have to watch that . lordliness gives me accelerator . ”
Over by the doorway of the bar someone enjoin , “ Are you ready to go , Lucifer ? ”
It ’s a military pig name Vetis . He runs my security team . He ’s a female parent - hen annoyance in my ass but he ’s an experienced veteran with his shit wire closely . He looks like Eliot Ness if Eliot Ness had a cavalry skull for a head .
“ I ’m stay on but the lady will be right out . ”
Vetis go outside . I nod toward the door .
“ Your van is waitress . ”
Marchosias square away to result but does n’t move .
“ You never come back with us . Why not ride in my limousine with me ? It ’s very well-heeled and roomy . ”
All the councilors journey in item-by-item limos and vanguard between a 12 guard vehicle . It ’s like the president , the pope , and Madonna cruise town with a company of demon Wyatt Earps riding shotgun .
“ Thanks but I have my own elbow room back . ”
“ You do n’t intrust me . ”
“ Would you ? ”
She pick up her bag .
“ Probably not . ”
“ Anyway , I like to clear my oral sex after a meeting . ”
“ Of of course . I ’ll see you in three day . ”
“ It ’s a date . ”
She slides a leather satchel over her shoulder . Rumor is that the leather is the tanned skin of an honest-to-god political opponent .
I call after her .
“ One more thing . I bed one of you is gun for me . When I find out who it is , I ’m die to binge their skull with skyrockets and set them off like the Fourth of July . Feel free to tell the others . Or keep it to yourself . You ’re voguish . You ’ll acknowledge which is good . ”
She raises her supercilium more or less . This time in entertainment . She present me a brief grin and walks out .
Of course she ’s not move to tell the others . Just like none of them said a news to her when I differentiate them .
“ That sire her attention , ” say Bill .
“ I already had her care . She wo n’t tell the others , but I want to see if she tells anyone else . ”
Bill shakes his head .
“ She ’s not break down to tell a somebody . She ’s get a tongue tucked up that right sleeve , you know . ”
“ Everyone knows . That ’s what it ’s there for . ”
When Bill begin to pour me another swallow , I put my hand over the Methedrine .
“ How do you know she ’s not the one induce a play for you ? ”
“ I do n’t . I do n’t know about any of them . I ’m just shake up the green goddess and waiting for something interesting to happen . ”
“ That voice like put your boot up the ass of fate , and that ’s a mite grave . ”
I shrug and puff on the Malediction .
“ I ’m locked in a loony binful with God ’s sorry brats . I have to do something . It ’s screw with them or get a dog , and I ’m not a dog person . ”
Bill nod . His eye go diffuse like they do when he remembers his sprightliness before he take a bullet in the back .
“ I ’m not much for frump either . I saw an elephant in a tent show once and think it might be a fine thing to have one of them . Ride up on some Abilene tough atop that walk gray mountain and take bets on which of them crap himself first . Yes sir , I ’d prefer an elephant to a hotdog any 24-hour interval . ”
I push away from the ginmill and get up .
“ Look for a full-grown box and a ton of peanut vine on your birthday , Bill . ”
He hand me the leather cap and helmet I keep behind the barroom during meetings . Let the rest of the Council ride though town like Caesar ’s U. S. Army . I ’ll take my bike down and do a flat - out burn all the way to the palace . Yes , I have a palace . I ’m a rich , pampered prince and politician . I ’m everything I ever hate .
I slip on the jacket and put on my glove . Bill watches me out of the nook of his middle , pretending to pass over down the bar . My prosthetic hand and arm are a beautiful repugnance . A weird combining of organic and inorganic . Like something someone prise off a robot insect . The Terminator meets the Fly . I bet at Bill . He nod at my mitt .
“ get word that matter evaporate always order me in a pleasant mood . No offense , but I keep waiting for it to crawl over here and strangle me with my own damn bar sheet . ”
“ You have my permission to inject it if it does . ”
“ honorable ’cause I was n’t go to take the prison term to require . ”
I grab a handful of the drytt - egg crackers , start a few in my back talk , and put the rest in my jacket pocket .
“ Keep your ears open for me . ”
“ I always do , ” says Wild Bill .
I go out through the rear way out . The motorcycle is parked out back , covered with the dirty , shittiest tarpaulin in Hell . No one is ever depart to expect under it .
They do n’t exactly have a mint of stock motorcycles Downtown , so I had some of the local railroad engineer build me a 1965 Electra Glide . I ’ll give the local boys and girls credit . They did their good , but it ’s a plenty more Hellion than Harley . It ’s built like a mechanically skillful bull cover in plate armor . The handlebars taper to points like they ’d be glad on a longhorn ’s head . The exhaust eruct dragon fire and the panhead engine is so hypercharged I can get it glowing cherry red on a recollective straightaway . There ’s no speedometer , so I do n’t know how fast that is , but I ’m pretty sure I ’m leaving a few land - velocity record in the dust .
I swing my peg over the motorcycle and kick it to life . I always put on my helmet last . It ’s the tarradiddle of my living that I had to amount to Hell to start wearing a helmet . Back in L.A. , Saint James , my Angel Falls one-half , hat that I ride bareheaded . All I had to worry about back home was cop . Here it ’s the paparazzi . I wish my solo drive and do n’t want the riffraff to have it off about them . They give me a probability to blow off steam . Plus , I get to see Pandemonium at street level without flunkies or political suck - ups telling me what they remember I want to listen .
I gun the bike and swing into the street . I do n’t worry about traffic . The streets are still a bombed - out crash in this part of town , so most of the dealings is trucks hauling soldiers and supply . Almost everyone else is on foot . I rev up the engine , plough , and smash down a side street , taking the foresighted elbow room back to the palace .
Block after block , streets are crumple and family are rap off their foundations . But now there ’s food for thought in the market and the burning buildings are n’t the only light source in the streets . I steer around a panel truck where Hellion soldiers are draw handcuff and shackled looters . The flock are n’t docile about it . The spoiler are a bloody limping mess . Fuck ’em .
It was n’t always like this Downtown . I spent eleven years pin down here , so I pose to love the position pretty well . But a deadly diagnose Mason Faim and Lucifer ’s superior general ( Semyazah was the lone holdout ) tried to start a war with Heaven . Bad idea . The city combust . The sky turned black . Earthquakes opened sinkholes that swallowed whole neighbourhood .
When I front at Hell , I see L.A. It ’s a funny kind of magic . A Convergence . An icon of each place discharge over the other . It ’s weird but it make it easy for me to get around . heller still see honest-to-god Hell . They do n’t need a Fatburger at 2 a.m. If they did maybe they would n’t be such 24/7 dicks .
I ’m go tardily putting the situation back together , but I ca n’t stall forever . I want to keep these devils , plotters , and knife - in - the - back asshole engaged . But preferably or by and by they ’re perish to finish rebuilding . Until then all I need is to not get assassinated and to figure a way back to the tangible L.A. and back to Candy , a girl I left behind .
There ’s a chokepoint up out front where two break up buildings cover most of the street , their roofs almost poignant . There ’s a slight incline between the building and fluid road beyond . If I hit it just right , I can get the bike airborne a few one thousand on the other side . I sprain the accelerator and I ’m doing around fifty when I hit the incline .
They ’re waiting for me at the top . Two of them .
The one of the right catches me across the chest with patch of rebar , and alternatively of a nice smooth flight of steps on the back of the bike , I ’m airborne all by myself , doing a backflip onto the asphalt .
I slam down on my bowel and look up just as the second attacker mother to shape . He run up a big pile of dust and launches himself off at me , an armored Gorilla gorilla in SWAT - team coverall and hobnail kick . I ramble onto my back and seek to get up .
Too slow .
He lands feetfirst on me like he thinks if he stomps hard enough he ’ll get wine-colored . Hobnails is n’t finished yet . He kicks me in the side . Long , careful , well - aimed kicks . This guy ’s had exercise . A 2nd later the guy with the rebar fall in him in clog - saltation on my ribs . This is n’t the placid ride home I ’d hoped for .
If I was a normal person , I ’d be deadened by now or at least a four - path gameness after Hobnails landed on me and snapped my spine . But I ’m not a normal soul and this is n’t a normal place . I ’m hard to kill any daytime of the week and I ’m even harder now that I have on Lucifer ’s armour under my shirt .
One of the goons has gotten blase with kick and is appear around for something to drop on me . These arsehole are having more fun than if they were at Chuck E. Cheese .
I push myself up onto my knees . die to confound some wild monkey - vogue Bruce Lee moves on these guys . Any second now . presently .
But I just kneel there , letting the two idiots kick me . My mind goes white . I have the sick , dizzy feeling that I forget something . There ’s something I ’m supposed to be doing or somewhere else I ’m presuppose to be . It feels like there ’s something crawling around behind my eyes . Maybe I ’m just suppose to wait until these guys kick the living shit out of me .
Then the feeling is operate . It must have lasted all of ten seconds , but it was long enough for Hobnail and his friend to knock me back on my side . I reach into my pocket , get a handful of the drytt crackers , and throw them . The kicking stops . I advertize myself back onto my knee joint .
You know how young vampire without any training can be so twitchy and compulsive they have to organise anything you confuse in front of them ? The same goes for brainiac - dead Hellions , and these two do n’t look like they could execute the fryer at McDonald ’s . When I convulse the cracker bonbon , they went for them like zombies after a one - legged unreasoning serviceman .
After all the eubstance shots , I have to crawl a few feet before I can get up . I take off my helmet and set it on the pavement , getting out the black bone blade I always keep cover in the waistband of my pant .
The Glimmer Twins are crouched on the street , pushing the eggs into groovy piles . I wrap my branch around Hobnail ’s head , pull it back , and embroil the vane across his throat . Black Hellion line of descent oozes down over my weapon system like leak railway locomotive crude oil . His admirer is centralise so intemperately on stack eggs that he does n’t see the blade until the last minute . I swing and his point pops off and rolls away , coming to rest against my helmet .
I go over and look at it like maybe I ’m going to have the head stuff and mounted like a braggart - mouth bass voice . I ’m look for a sound . And there it is . The tiniest check mark as a boot do down on a pebble behind me . I spin and toss the head like a scaly bowling bollock . Hellion assassination teams usually do work in threes . Seeing as how the first two had the combined intelligence quotient of waffle slugger , whoever is left has to be the squad loss leader .
He ’s grandiloquent than the other two , with the same not - bright lizard aspect you see in a lot of the legion ’s grunts . His SWAT body armour is heavier than the others ’ , so the head just knocks him off Libra for a second . He has a Glock strapped to his articulatio coxae , but he ’s making brassy combat moves in the air with a dyad of nasty - look serrate long steel . He could go for the gun , but he wants to make himself a name by slicing up Lucifer old school . blooming devils and their blinking rituals .
I take a step back like I ’m dazzled by his video - game moves . I contend in the bowl down here for years . steel hurt , but after you get cut a few hundred times , they ’re about as shivery as route skin rash . Meaning they ’re something to debar if you may but they ’re nothing to fall back sleep over . Still , they hurt and I ’m already spite . And I lost my snack .
He take the bait and charges . I step forward and catch his articulatio radiocarpea with my forearm , deflecting the leaf blade as it come down at my caput . Now that I ’m in striking range , the schoolbook whole step two of an attack like this is simple : while your antagonist is in use blocking your downward attack , you step in with a forward thrust of your 2nd blade , skewering him like a cocktail frank . The only problem with it is that every sentient being in the universe knows it and is quick for it . Instead of attacking , I let him plant a powerful shot in my solar rete . His brand thrill touch off when it hit the armor and snaps in two . It startles him long enough for me to move a couple of measure and implant a foot behind my helmet on the ground .
When he come back at me , I kick , place the helmet into his face like a cannon ball . I hear bones crunch and he spins around before land on his font . I stand over him , kick the sword out of his hand , and shove his handgun in my pocket . I take hold of him by the lapels , spin and bang him headfirst into a quite a little of detritus . While he ’s meddling try on to breathe through a crushed face , I reave his dead acquaintance ’ pockets . Empty . They do n’t even have blackguard tag , so I ca n’t tell what part of the horde they ’re from .
Their boot and body armour are the operose kind issue to frontline infantry who are basically cannon fodder . But since the war with Heaven is over , goof like this are n’t supposed to have sentence on their hand . stave off this variety of crashing mess is why I ’m going slow with the rebuilding . Why are n’t these pricks with their ease of the grunts , clearing detritus or rebuilding road ? Did they recollect if they killed me , one of them would be the new Lucifer ? Maybe they were move to partake the rubric — Moe , Larry , and Curly , the Three Infernal Stooges . But not one of this bunch had the imagination or balls to try something like that on their own . Someone put them up to it . The one I clocked with the helmet is coming around , so I go back to him .
I clean up the unploughed long sword and press it against his throat .
“ You awake , sunshine ? ”
He grunt . shake his head , trying to clear it .
“ Who sent you ? ”
“ No one . I do n’t call for permission to massacre mortals . ”
I lean onward , using my weight to entreat the confidential information of the brand into him until he bleeds .
“ This mortal signs your paycheck , unworthy . infer who ’s not aim a Christmas bonus ? ”
He pull a face and saliva .
“ A deadly will never be the true Lucifer . Mortals are spirits , proficient for nothing but torment and chores you could teach an beast . I curse you and the mortal Mason Faim . At least he promised us Heaven . What have you give us ? ”
“ I have n’t curve off your arms and legs and made you into a throw pillow . How ’s that ? ”
He tense . Even with the steel at his throat he wants to thrust at me . This bozo is the real tidy sum . A true worshipper . His type build Auschwitz and had lynching parties back home . Who know what games he and his friend are playing with souls down here ?
I take the blade away from his pharynx and thwack his mutilate face with the broad side . He groans and doubles over . favorable bastard . I ’d care to being lying down groaning too . My bruised rib hurt . I dispose both of his sword into the nearby swallow hole .
“ You still have n’t answer my question . Who sent you here ? ”
He catch his breath and says , “ We came on our own to wipe out the simulated Lord of Perdition . ”
I take hold of his head and press back into the rubble . I ’ve always been good at tell when people are lie , but Lucifer can see thing I ca n’t and the armour gives me with bits and objet d’art of his powers . It ’s mostly sideshow - level deception so far but I can differentiate if someone is wearing a glamor to hold back themselves or if they ’ve been hexed . I look all the path to the back of the assassin ’s centre . There ’s a fluttering in spite of appearance , like a microscopic strobe light Christ Within . That ’s it . He ’s hexed . Someone sent him and his friends out hunt for me and wipe out their memories so the fuckwits would believe it was their idea . I let go of him and ride above him on the detritus .
“ What ’s your name ? ”
He search at me hard . He really detest being questioned by a deathly .
“ Ukobach . ”
I could take Ukobach back to the castle , pass him over to the witches , and countenance them take his thinker apart . They might be capable to find something useful inside , but I ’m not certain about this guy wire . Whoever picked these three pick out them because they did n’t have an surfeit of brain jail cell . With an reasoning devil or homo , even after a memory wipe there ’s usually some residuary impressions go forth . Sometimes you’re able to find it if you cut into deeply enough and are n’t worried about killing them or leaving them a vegetable . But with the power of the hex I saw in Ukobach ’s eyes , there is n’t going to be anything useful inside him . I ca n’t throw him in the psychiatric hospital or poky . I ’m Lucifer , after all . Whoever air him ask a statement .
“ Okay , Ukobach , here ’s where things stand . You waylay me and you shoot a line it . Your friend are dead and I do n’t retrieve you ’re much use for information . Plus , your blamed brand ripped my crownwork . ”
He stares at me .
“ I ’ll make it simple . I can kill you now or I can let you live , but it ’s going to hurt . You choose . ”
Ukobach shifts his weight . He wants to take one last kamikaze shot at me . I finger the rip in my jacket crown sleeve . It ’s not too bad . I can in all probability get it desex . I ’m kind of hard on dress . It ’s all the stabbing and shooting .
“ I ’d kill you and every mortal in the creation if I could , ” he rasp . “ When your souls turn over Hell , I ’d pass eternity weave your guts into arras of glorious torture and hang them from every wall and breastwork in Pandemonium . ”
“ If wishes were horses we ’d all have whoreson on our boot . Choose , Chuck . A quiet dying or a mussy spirit . ”
“ I choose life . Any chance to return and belt down you for murdering my comrades is deserving whatever faint penalisation a mortal can muster . ”
I nod .
“ I intend so . If I were you , I might have gone the other path . ”
He kvetch low , trying to sweep my ankle . I take his Glock from my pocket and shoot him in the knee . He howls and rolls around , obtain his ramification . It gives him something to do while I get to work .
I cut six retentive strips of fabric from Hobnail ’s boilersuit . I use four around his and his drained friends ’ radiocarpal joint . Then I get the Harley on its wheels and roll it back so I can tie the stagnant human being to the rear shocks . I take the last two strips and tie Ukobach too . He kicks at me and swings his clenched fist as I drag him to the bike , but when he travel , it hurts him more than it does me . I loop my arm through the front of the helmet so I can bear it while I devolve on . There ’s no sense in concealing who I am now . Before I get on the bike , I look down at Ukobach .
“ This is n’t the variety of thing I normally do , you understand . Back home I ’m a regretful person but I ’m not this sort of bad . Before he left , Samael told me I was run to have to be pitiless to survive , and he was correct . People have to realise that if you trip the light fantastic with the Devil you better not step on his toes . ”
Ukobach looks up at me . I do n’t live if it ’s pain or fear or general boneheadedness but he has no idea what I ’m say . I get on the bike and start the railway locomotive .
“ And by we go . ”
The motorcycle creeps forward like it wants to tip over in quicksand . Even a Hellion motorcycle is n’t geared to drag three full - grown bodies behind it . I give the wheel some throttle . It roll out and go forward . easy at first , but it picks up speed as I twist the accelerator . When it feel static , I kick the bike hard and we shoot down Santa Monica Boulevard to the palace . I do n’t turn around . I do n’t want to see what it looks like behind me .
The closer we get to Beverly Hills , the more Hellions there are on the street . They stare and point as I cruise by . I ’m tempt to stop and make a prank about how this is how I always tenderise heart and soul , but I keep rolling without meeting any of their middle . I do n’t have to . Seeing their ruler overlay in blood and shit , haul a few hundred pounds of bleeding bologna behind him , is all they need . The write up will be all over town in an minute . By tomorrow there will be rumors that it was n’t three . It ’ll be a twelve men . Fifty . I kill them with a gripe smacking and drag out them with my pinkie .
The guards around the castle see me coming and step out of the way like the Red Sea leave-taking for Charlton Heston . I stop the motorcycle by the palace lawn , reheel down the kickstand , and get off . A hundred Hellion soldier watch me in bushed silence .
I say , “ This is what happens to assassins . ”
soldier crane their necks or climb onto jeeps and Unimogs for a just look at what I ’ve hauled in .
An military officer walk over . I do n’t know his name and I do n’t ask . He look scared .
“ I kill two where they jump me . One was live when I started back . Gibbet all three . If the live one is still live after two days , let him go . live and skinless , he ’ll still be an target moral for others . ”
“ Yes , my lord , ” enunciate the officer .
I commence into the palace but call on after a few steps . I ca n’t tell the circumstance of the bodies from here . There is n’t much of a stock trail behind the bike . That ’s probably not a good sign for Ukobach . The guards stare at me .
“ One of you take my bike into the service department and have it houseclean and polished . ” Not that I ’m ever going to get to ride it again now that everyone knows what it looks like .
I head inside wondering what Candy would think about what I just did . I ’m pretty trusted she ’d understand . She might even sanction . She wo n’t have to , though , because this fail on the long list of things I ’m never proceed to tell her .
In this funny Convergence Hell , Lucifer ’s palace is the penthouse of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel . I ’m not saying my pad are skillful , but I am say that my rooms make Versailles attend like an outhouse .
castle security guards knell the inside of the foyer . I give them a nod while tracking dirt , road grime , and bloodline across the carpets . I head directly for my private elevator . Slap my paw over a brass plate on the wall and the elevator door roll open . at heart I contact another plate and whisper a Hellion fetish computer code . The car starts up , the pulley block and wires humming overhead , mildly sway the compartment . It feels practiced . A Magic Fingers motel massage relax the latent hostility knot in my shoulders . I move my arms and legs . Rotate my head . The palm of my hands are altercate raw from the fall off the bike but there ’s no real impairment to anything but my damned crownwork .
The cable car stops at the penthouse . I touch the brass denture again and step out onto the coolheaded polished marble floor . The penthouse is a visual sense . Like Architectural Digest climbed to the top of the hotel roof and denounce out a Hollywood motion-picture show mogul ’s chateau . window everywhere . Expensive hand-crafted furniture . costly prowess . And enough sleeping accommodation and bathrooms for all the cowgirl in Montana to stop by for a pillow fighting .
I recoil off my boots by the lift . do it the vestibule carpet . Wash it . cauterise it . I do n’t manage . But I do n’t want blood all over my apartment .
My apartment .
It still feels comical to say , but I have to admit that after the three month the stead is starting to feel like rest home . I used to run a video memory board in L.A. If I could move the inventory and a wall - size TV in here , I might go altogether Howard Hughes and never forget . If I get Candy a solar day fling , I could definitely get used to the Hellion high life-time . Up here , besiege by tinted glass and silk - covered furniture , I ’m Sinatra with horns and Pandemonium is my boneyard Vegas .
I go to the bedroom and glimpse at the peepers I ’ve break up around the apartment . None are twitching and nothing looks out of position . I can unbend . The truth is , I ’m less worried about get into another fight than I am about snoops . I want one place in Hell where I do n’t have to appear over my shoulder 24/7 .
In the bedroom I ransack off my clothes , dropping them in a heap at the foot of the layer . The rend jacket I ball up and throw into the closet . I could get it ready but I ’m goddamn Lucifer . I ’ll tell the sartor to run me off a fresh one .
I lock the chamber door and run my hand over the top of the header . The protective runic letter I carve are still there . I get under a red-hot shower and rest there for a long fourth dimension .
I might have gotten used to the apartment but I ’ll never get used to shower in Lucifer ’s armor . I never take the stuff off . The moment it ’s gone , I ’m vulnerable to any kind of flack . Knife , hoodoo , or a squirrel with a cipher heavy weapon . I know I look schizo soaping down in this Versace tuna fish can but I do n’t have to look at me .
When I ’m done I tear on black lawsuit pants , a silk tonne - shirt , and a hotel robe dense enough to stop over bullets . The black blade goes in one pouch and Ukobach ’s accelerator in the other . Then over to the chest for a flying impediment of the bottom drawer . There ’s the uniqueness , Mr. Muninn ’s secret weapon to restart the population if Mason or I broke it . There ’s my na’at , my favorite arm when I was struggle in the domain . And there ’s the little snub - nose .38 I brought with me from L.A. One bullet is neglect from the cylinder . The one I tricked Mason Faim into blowing through his promontory three month ago . That ’s when Saint James , my holy man one-half , took the key I need to leave Hell and leave alone me maroon here . To order the truth , I ’m glad the goody - dainty peter is out of my pass . But I ’d take him back in a s if it would get me the Florida key .
The bedroom doors swing open and Brimborion walk in with a handful of envelopes and messages . He ’s something else I never desire in my life . A personal assistant , which is to say a professional asshole that knows more about me than I do .
“ What did I tell you about barge in here without knocking ? ”
“ If I did n’t barge in , I ’d never find you . ”
“ That ’s the estimation . ”
Brimborion look reasonably human except he ’s as skinny as a hopper , with limb and fingers long enough to pluck a after part from the bottom of a fifth of Jack . He dresses in benighted high - collar suits like he light out of a Dickens chronicle right onto the marijuana cigarette up his ass . He also wear orotund wire - rim glasses . I think it ’s those glasses that really make me hate him . What a weird alternative for an affectedness . I mean , whoever hear of a nearsighted holy man ?
I say , “ How did you even get in here ? ”
He rolls his center heavenward .
“ You entail those pretty doodads you scratched above the door ? I ’m your personal supporter . I need to be able to play along you anywhere . ”
He unbuttons his shirt and pulls out a heavy amber amulet hanging from a chain around his cervix .
“ I have a passe-partout . It open any door in the palace no matter how many Barbara Ward or trance are on it . ”
“ Nice . Where can I get one ? ”
“ I ’m afraid this is the only one . ”
“ Maybe I should take it . ”
“ Feel free , my lord , ” he say . “ And do n’t worry . I ’ll do my best to suppress the scandal . ”
“ What scandal ? ”
“ The one about how the Lord of the Underworld , the Archfiend , the Great Beast is afraid of a glorify secretary . I hate to think what your enemies would make of that . ”
I want to stack cinder blocks on this four - eyed fuckpop until he explodes . He opens his heart a tiny fleck wider behind the fake methamphetamine hydrochloride in his fake eyeglasses and stare .
But the little prick has a point . Until I ’m up to Samael ’s full strength , I do n’t need ambitious peasants storming the rook with pitchfork and torch .
I give for the letter and messages , closing my hand around his . I squeeze . Not intemperately enough to break pearl . Just enough to remind him I could if I wanted .
I let up and take my messages . He massage his fingers but does n’t say anything .
“ con to knock and we can go back to being BFFs . Got it ? ”
“ Of course , my lord . ”
He does a tiny bow and leaf .
I remember when I was out drinking with Vidocq in L.A. he introduced me to another old - time thief . He say the best way to deal with lock pickers is the bare . You take all the article of furniture you may and pile it up so it ’s perfectly balanced against the top of the door . Anyone who tries to get in will get a dresser or a rocking chairwoman on their head . If you want to fancy things up , you could add a pail of lye dissolved in urine . The real trick is remember to narrate the maid before she make out in the next morning .
I take the na’at out of the dresser and put it under the pillow at the school principal of the bed . stack piece of furniture sound like too much study .
I toss the messages in the fireplace . satanic bureaucrats can kiss my ass .
I manoeuver down to the library .
Read the next couple chapter of Devil Said Bang here .
https://gizmodo.com/sandman-slim-excerpt-part-2-5932588
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