Bill Waters; William Morrow
As it turns out, it is surprisingly easy to find a hostage negotiator, and even easier to get them to talk to you: after all, they have great rapport. After some back and forth, I was scheduled to attend a day-long course which taught me a little about my novel research, but far, far more about two things: what it means to be a good parent, and what most human beingsreallywant.
William Morrow
Hostage negotiation and parenting have a lot in common: the stress levels (both parent and child), the need to defuse situations and the importance of give and take.
The reality is, many parents leave out the most important parts of negotiating. We, as adults, wouldn’t like it if people put our things away without asking, if we were suddenly taken somewhere with no notice, sent to bed before we were tired. Figuring out how the person you’re talking to is feeling is central to both hostage negotiating and effective parenting.
The FBI and the British Metropolitan Police both use the same sequence for negotiating with hostage-takers and kidnappers: listen, demonstrate empathy, build rapport and then seek cooperation. Almost all of it boils down to actively listening and responding to what the person is saying.
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The class taught me that most people are really keen to tell you about their life, their hobbies, their children, and if you simply repeat their last sentence back to them, you will draw out even more information.
Next comes paraphrasing and emotional labelling, in which you repeat back what somebody has told you and name their feelings to show you understand what’s been said and how it impacts them. “What I’m hearing from this is that you sound pretty angry with me” is a disarming tactic that would work for most teenagers — and toddlers. Many people only want to know you have understood them correctly and hear the feelings beneath it. Once you’ve demonstrated that, you can persuade them to do what you want them to do.
Attempts at persuasion should be prefixed withprefer. It’s expressing a preference, not a dogmatic rule, but it’s still clear and eliminates uncertainty, which causes stress. For example, you might say: “You sounded angry when I didn’t get you the Mars Bar in the supermarket. Next time, I would prefer if you could wait and then there might be a reward when we’re home.”
A child in a high state of emotion actuallycannotlisten. None of us can. We are overwhelmed. The body floods with stress hormones, and the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for logical reasoning — shuts down. The example the hostage negotiators gave was to give me a math problem which I had to do in my head, all while they counted down the seconds and asked me if I had it yet (it was 45 x 17, and no, I never did get it).
The best way to manage a tantrum is to hold the boundary, let it run its course, and then discuss it much later when the child is calm, using preferential requests for the next time it happens, together with a huge serving of empathy and understanding of why they felt that way in the first place. Next, separate the person from the behavior. Rather than, “you’re stupid for acting this way,” try “I know you’re so smart, so I’d like to talk about what went on earlier.”
Children often feel powerless — wouldn’t you? You can’t tell the time, you have no idea what’s going to happen next, and sometimes it happens with zero warning,— and therefore choices appeal to them, albeit choices within a limited framework the parent dictates.
That’s where presupposition can be helpful. In hostage negotiation, presupposition is where you subconsciously tell the person you’re dealing with what you want them to do. “Whenyou come out of the bank you’re holding up, please use the back door,” embeds in their mind that they are coming out. “Whenwe go to the supermarket in five minutes, are you going to wear your red shoes or blue?” creates a similar effect.
On the flip side, avoid the language that indicates what youdon’twant them to do. When negotiating with people with weapons, they wouldn’t say, “don’t shoot.” Similarly, “don’t throw your toys” only puts in a child’s mind that theycouldthrow their toys, and wouldn’t that be fun? Instead, you might try, “can you put this down really softly and then roll it?”
Many parents, according to the hostage negotiator, skip the part where they explain the reason. Why can’t the toddler have an ice cream in the supermarket? It’s obvious to us, but is itactuallyobvious to them? The power of “because” has helped me a lot with my child. Sometimes, I simply haven’t explained it to him. Just today, I said, “You have to wear your shoes because otherwise your socks will get wet,” and my toddler, to my surprise, said “OK!”
Specific techniques aside, it all comes down to one main principle: listen, listen, listen. Some hostage negotiators listen actively for over 12 hours before they make a single demand. We could all learn a lot from that.
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source: people.com
